why we lie that everyone has sex on the brain more than we do

A new study shows that we not only lie about how much porn we consume, but project our own desires on others when asked about those around us.

When it comes to porn, there are only two kinds of people; those who watch it, and those who lie about watching it. With over 115 million views a day on PornHub alone, and an average eight and a half minutes per visit, there are an awful lot of people who are at least interested. But the question is how much time do you think those around you spend on porn sites and platforms with adult content, and with what frequency? That’s the question asked by researchers who wanted to understand perceptions we have around porn viewing and how well they correlate not only to their own habits, but the self-reported habits of other men and women.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Self-reported usage? Scoff. According to the study, the typical man indulges once a month and the typical woman once or twice a month. We know this is almost certainly a gross underreporting because we have decent data showing that 3 in 4 viewers watch about 24 minutes worth a week and another 1 in 10 average 17 minutes a week. (The rest watch nearly two hours worth a week.) So, yeah, either massive porn sites registering a quarter billion views per day are lying, or the people being asked. However, establishing who really watches and how much wasn’t the goal, but to learn the subjects’ perceptions of each other vs. themselves.

With that in mind, let’s look at what men and women said. Men reported watching just once a month, but the subjects’ consensus was two to three times per month. Women said they indulged once or twice per month, while the group estimate for their viewing habits was once per month. Of course, those reports are mean values. The details are even more interesting. The more subjects said they watched, the higher their estimate for others. More religious subjects had lower self-reports and estimates, and many of those who said they were “addicted to porn” reported notably lower usage than their counterparts who didn’t report such distress, which is actually very common.

In short, most people seemed to think that however much porn they tend to consume, others have even larger appetites. Why? That was beyond the scope of this study, but we do have other data that can give us some hints. We know that people chronically overreport virtuous behaviors such as exercising, reading, and eating their veggies as they’re supposed to, and underreport vices like sex, porn, smoking, and poor diets. It would make sense if we’re looking at a defense mechanism to justify a habit they see as a potential moral failing, especially members of older generations. After all, we can justify our own actions to an appalling fault while all too readily judging others.

Just take the infamous reign of the supposed Millennial hookup culture, which existed only in reporters’ fevered imaginations. We seemed to be so ready to accept that the youth these days has gone completely off the rails when it comes to sex, fueled by an embarrassment of options on dating apps. Then came a few studies which clearly and indisputably showed that the average number of sexual partners actually peaked with Boomers, while ostensibly sex-crazed Millennials were keeping it in their pants. In the blink of an eye, the very same lustful demons were suddenly chaste, boring, shut-ins who desperately needed sex, drugs, and rock and roll in their lives.

The point here is that when it comes to things defined as vices, we deploy all sorts of methods to protect our self-perceived morality. Kids were having way too much sex, unlike their more virtuous elders, until it turned out they weren’t, and actually had just half the partners of said elders at most, after which there was something wrong with the kids because of wokeness, or the internet, or Jews, and promiscuity is good and moral now, actually. So, it’s little wonder that when asked to compare what they think others’ porn habits to their own, the study’s subjects fell back on standard moralistic tropes and claimed others were probably twice as lustful as them. Especially men.

What we should really take away from this data and its context is that the hypocritical puritanism many Westerners are expected to practice doesn’t result in the reduction of unwanted behaviors, especially when repressing those behaviors leads to mental health struggles. It just makes people feel worse about themselves and their urges. At the same time, it leads them to project their own fears, desires, and ideas of normalcy on others to defend themselves from potential criticism of having “loose morals.” This is why it doesn’t actually matter how much someone watches porn, but whether they have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality and empathy for others’.

See: McElroy, E. et al. (2023) How much pornography use do Americans think is average? Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2023.2229317

Vaillancourt-Morel, M. et al. (2017) Profiles of cyberpornography use and sexual well-being in adults, Journal of Sexual Medicine, DOI: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2016.10.016